The Petty Elf Daily | North Pole Gossip Blog by Red Alpha — ugly sweater party

The Petty Elf Daily North Pole’s #1 Source for Petty News • Daily Dispatch 🎄 Day 19 — The Great Cocoa Heist Last night, the entire cocoa stash vanished. GONE. 🎅☕ The workshop is treating it like a national emergency. Forget toys—no cocoa, no Christmas spirit. Period. 🕵️ Suspect #1: The Marshmallow Mafia They’ve been shady since Easter. Conveniently, they were “on break” when the cocoa disappeared. I’m not saying it was them, but… it was them. 🎁 Suspect #2: Logistics Elves Claimed the cocoa was “rerouted.” Translation: someone hid it in the supply closet behind the fruitcake nobody touches....

The Petty Elf Daily North Pole’s #1 Source for Petty News • Daily Dispatch 🎄 Day 15 — Cocoa Machine Meltdown This morning the cocoa machine gave up on life. Steam, sparks, and one traumatized marshmallow later—total shutdown. ☕🔥 You’d think it was the apocalypse the way elves reacted. Productivity dipped 70% because apparently no one can build toys without hot chocolate in hand. ⚡ The Malfunction Reports say someone tried to “hack” the settings for extra whip mode. Now it only dispenses lukewarm cocoa with a side of mechanical whine. Relatable. 👀 Black Market Brews Desperate elves started selling...

The Petty Elf Daily North Pole’s #1 Source for Petty News • Daily Dispatch 🎄 Day 14 — Mistletoe Misconduct Holiday party decor got out of hand when someone hung mistletoe in *every doorway.* Now the workshop feels less like Santa’s HQ and more like a rom-com gone wrong. HR is already drafting a 47-slide presentation. 💋 The Awkward Encounters Two interns bumped into each other under the mistletoe and just… stared. For five minutes. Production slowed, gossip soared, and cocoa sales spiked immediately after. 👀 Serial Offenders Jingles keeps “accidentally” positioning himself under the same sprig. Subtle as a...

The Petty Elf Daily North Pole’s #1 Source for Petty News • Daily Dispatch 🎄 Day 13 — Elf Secret Santa Scandal Secret Santa was supposed to be “fun and wholesome.” Naturally, it turned into chaos and accusations. Because nothing screams holiday cheer like passive-aggressive gift giving and a $5 spending limit no one respects. 🎁 💸 The Overspend Offender Sparkles gave a gold-plated cocoa mug. The limit was five bucks, not fifty. Now everyone else looks cheap and Sparkles looks like she’s running for Elf of the Year. 🎁 The Re-Gifter Pep unwrapped a candle labeled “To: Jingles, From:...

The Petty Elf Daily North Pole’s #1 Source for Petty News • Daily Dispatch 🎄 Day 12 — Holiday Party Survival Guide (From Someone Who’s Over It) If you’re headed to a holiday party and your spirit is 80% cocoa, 20% tolerance—this one’s for you. I’ve survived more North Pole office parties than Santa has belts. Here’s how to glide in, look festive, and avoid elf small talk like a pro. 🧊 🧣 Dress Code: Cozy But Petty Wear something warm enough to outlast the “one quick toast” that turns into a four-hour speech, but spicy enough to remind everyone...