The Petty Elf Daily | North Pole Gossip Blog by Red Alpha — christmas

Today Sparkles sits down to write her wedding vows… and immediately spirals. What begins as a sweet, emotional promise quickly mutates into threats, petty commentary, and a third version she absolutely should NOT read aloud—but fully intends to.

Today the bachelor squad meets the ruler of the Misfit Realm — a regal, slightly broken plush lion named King Scrufferton III. He’s dramatic, unstable, and assigns them a “noble quest” involving his missing stuffing.

Today Sparkles visits Orna the Ornament Oracle for answers… and receives nothing but dramatic gasps, vague visions, and psychic chaos. Naturally, she interprets ALL of it in the worst possible way.

Today the Petty Elf reopens the portal to check on the missing bachelor squad… and instantly regrets it. The boys aren’t struggling — they’re thriving. Glitterbeard is basically a local celebrity, Finn has formed a questionable alliance, and the Misfit Realm might be changing them.

Sparkles has officially run out of patience. Today she launches a “highly organized” search party for the missing groom and his bachelor squad… which mostly involves crying, yelling, and scaring volunteers. Santa, wisely, pretends to be very, very busy.