The Petty Elf Daily
North Pole’s #1 Source for Petty News • Daily Dispatch
⭐ Day 79 — The Great Escape Attempt
With the Misfit Realm glitching and the portal weakening, the bachelor squad decided today was the perfect time to finally escape. The realm disagreed.
What followed was the most chaotic, unproductive, magically incorrect escape attempt in North Pole history.
🌀 Attempt #1 — Immediate Rejection
Finn bravely stepped into the portal first. The portal looked him dead in the soul… and spat him out like a bad jelly bean.
He landed in a pile of emotionally unstable teddy bears. They judged him.
🧝 Attempt #2 — “Teamwork”
The squad tried going in as a group. They held hands. They counted down. They stepped forward together…
…and the portal yeeted them backwards like it was offended by their friendship.
Shortstack flew the highest. Glitterbeard said it was “majestic.”
🤦 Attempt #3 — Glitterbeard’s Solo Mission
Glitterbeard decided he could “negotiate” with the portal.
He strutted up and said, “Look, babe, let me through.”
The portal responded by blowing glitter in his face. He called it “foreplay.” Everyone told him to stop talking.
🔄 Attempt #4 — The Running Start
The squad backed up 30 feet. They ran full speed at the portal. They screamed heroically.
The portal shrank at the last second. They ran straight into a wall.
A toy soldier saluted them out of pity.
👑 The King Weighs In
King Scrufferton approached dramatically, cape fluttering in nonexistent wind.
He said, “The realm is rejecting you because you have unresolved bachelor energy.”
Finn asked what that meant. The king replied, “It means you’re all a mess.”
Accurate.
💥 Attempt #5 — The Realm Has Had Enough
Finally, the portal flickered open one last time. The boys rushed it—
And the realm launched them ALL out in a glitter explosion so powerful it temporarily blinded three sock puppets.
It also spelled out a message in floating sparkles: “TRY AGAIN TOMORROW.”
Shortstack cried. Glitterbeard asked for a redo. Frostbite Jr. ate glitter off the ground. No one knows why.
Tomorrow is their final chance. The realm is collapsing. The wedding is almost here. And the bachelor squad is still acting like the portal owes them money. ⭐✨
Stay shady,
– The Petty Elf 🧝♀️