🧸 Day 61 — The Wedding Arc: Sweater Try-On Meltdown

Venue opened up → wedding moved to **19 days**. Send bail money. 💅🎄

Yesterday: Saturday wedding. Today: *19-day sprint*. Bride snagged the dream barn after some couple eloped over a nugget proposal. We’re speed-running “I Do” and I’m speed-running regret.

🎄 The Bridesmaid Draft

**Official Lineup (subject to petty veto):** 1. **Me, The Petty Elf** – Yes, I’m a bridesmaid. Blackmail, blood oath, or both. Details are for nice people. 2. **Tiffy** – Bride’s cousin. Already crying about “sweater lines.” 3. **Megan** – College roommate. Vegan. Judging the cash bar. 4. **Karen** – *Somehow* made the cut. Claims she’s “maid of honor material.” I hid her invite under the cake samples.

Groomsmen? Groom is “still thinking.” Rumor: Chad’s ghost is on the shortlist.

🧶 Sweater Try-On Day

Bride dragged her mom + the four of us to the craft store for **Sweater Try-On Day**. Not dresses. **Sweaters**. Theme: “Cozy Winter Wonderland.” Translation: itchy torture in 28-degree weather.

Tried 17 versions. Highlights: - Reindeer with googly eyes that fell off mid-twirl. - One played “All I Want for Christmas Is You” when you lifted your arms. Tiffy triggered it 47 times. - **Winner**: muted sage green (looks like moldy oatmeal), giant cable-knit snowflake, hidden tag says *“I survived this wedding.”*

🎸 The Band

**The Mistletoe Misfits** – local cover band. They do “Sweet Caroline” in 3/4 time and once set a tambourine on fire. Bride booked them off a TikTok. I sent the setlist with one addition: *Petty Elf Remix* of the bridal march (funeral dirge but make it passive-aggressive).

19 days. 19 sweaters. 19 reasons to elope. If this ends in acrylic and arson, don’t say I didn’t warn you. 🧸💔

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Stay petty,
– The Petty Elf 🧝‍♀️