Understanding People: There's Always a Story Behind the Choice
One thing I've noticed...
We're pretty good at judging people's decisions.
We're not always as good at understanding what led them there.
Someone makes a decision we disagree with and almost immediately we start forming an opinion.
They're selfish.
They're stubborn.
They're difficult.
They're disloyal.
Maybe sometimes we're right.
But maybe sometimes we're judging the final scene without knowing everything that happened before it.
There's usually a story behind the choice.
The more conversations I have...
The more convinced I become of that.
People don't walk into our lives as blank pages.
They bring experiences with them.
Family.
Success.
Failure.
Fear.
Loyalty.
Loss.
Ambition.
Disappointment.
Things they've been taught.
Things they've survived.
Things they're still trying to understand.
All of that walks into the room with them.
And eventually...
All of it influences the choices they make.
That's one of the reasons I've always enjoyed stories.
A good story lets us see something real life doesn't always allow us to see.
We get to see what happened before the decision.
Take a show like House of the Dragon.
You can watch two people experience the same event and respond completely differently.
One sees duty.
Another sees betrayal.
One sees an opportunity.
Another sees a threat.
One believes they're protecting their family.
Someone else believes that exact same decision is destroying it.
That's what makes those kinds of stories interesting.
It isn't simply deciding who the good person is and who the bad person is.
It's trying to understand...
Why does this person see the world this way?
And the more I think about it...
That's probably a better question to ask in real life too.
We've spent the last couple of weeks talking about personalities and relationships.
We've talked about different strengths.
Different blind spots.
Different voices.
And most recently, Constituents, Comrades, and Confidantes.
All of those conversations keep bringing me back to the same thing.
People make more sense when we become curious about their story.
Understanding doesn't mean agreement.
I think that's important.
You can understand why someone made a decision and still believe they made the wrong one.
You can understand someone's pain without excusing the pain they caused somebody else.
You can have empathy and boundaries at the same time.
Understanding isn't permission.
It's perspective.
And perspective changes conversations.
Instead of immediately asking...
"What's wrong with them?"
Maybe we start asking...
"What happened to them?"
Or...
"What are they protecting?"
Or...
"What are they afraid of losing?"
Or maybe simply...
"What don't I know yet?"
Those questions don't guarantee we'll agree.
But they might keep us from reducing an entire person to one decision.
And I think we could use a little more of that.
In our businesses.
In our families.
In our communities.
Even in the stories we watch on television.
The person who frustrates you has a story.
The person you disagree with has a story.
The person who made the decision you don't understand has a story.
So do you.
Maybe understanding people begins when we stop trying to figure out what box they belong in and become curious about what shaped them.
Because there's almost always more happening behind the choice than we can see from the outside.
— Ruben Escalona
Red Alpha Custom Prints
What Healthy Actually Looks Like
Healthy people don't confuse understanding with agreement. They can disagree with a choice, establish a boundary, or hold someone accountable while still being curious about the story that shaped the person making it.
Before reducing someone to their worst decision, ask yourself: What shaped them? What might they be protecting? What don't I know yet?
Sometimes a better question doesn't change what happened. It simply helps us see the person behind it.