Understanding People: Behavior Doesn't Always Tell the Whole Story
One thing I've noticed...
We are pretty quick to assign motives to people.
Someone doesn't speak up.
We assume they're disengaged.
Someone asks a lot of questions.
We assume they're being difficult.
Someone takes control of a situation.
We assume they need to be in charge.
Someone challenges our idea.
We assume they don't support us.
But what if we're right about the behavior...
And completely wrong about the reason behind it?
Behavior tells us what someone did.
It doesn't always tell us why.
That's an important distinction.
Yesterday we talked about the story behind the choice.
Today I want to take that conversation one step further.
Because if we're really going to understand people...
We have to become careful about assigning motives to behavior.
Take the quiet person in the room.
Maybe they're afraid to speak.
Maybe they don't feel welcome.
Maybe they're processing everything that's being said.
Maybe they're the kind of person who would rather listen for thirty minutes and say one meaningful sentence than fill the room with words.
From the outside...
All we see is quiet.
But quiet doesn't tell us the whole story.
The same thing is true about the person who takes charge.
Maybe they want control.
That's possible.
Or maybe they've been in situations where nobody took responsibility and they've learned to step forward when something needs to get done.
Same behavior.
Completely different motivation.
That's where relationships get interesting.
And complicated.
We experience people's behavior.
But we interpret their motives.
Those aren't the same thing.
I realized something...
A lot of conflict doesn't actually begin with what someone did.
It begins with the story we tell ourselves about why they did it.
"They don't respect me."
"They're trying to control everything."
"They don't care."
"They're jealous."
"They're selfish."
Maybe.
But maybe not.
Sometimes we've written an entire story in our heads without ever asking the other person a question.
I've done it.
I'm sure I'll do it again.
It's human.
But I'm trying to become more aware of it.
Because the more conversations I have...
The more I realize how complicated people really are.
Fear can look like anger.
Confidence can look like arrogance.
Caution can look like negativity.
Passion can look like aggression.
Patience can look like indifference.
Loyalty can even cause people to make decisions we don't understand.
That's one of the things that makes great television interesting too.
Think about a story like House of the Dragon.
If we only watched what each person did, we'd probably have everybody figured out pretty quickly.
Hero.
Villain.
Loyal.
Disloyal.
Strong.
Weak.
But then the story shows us something else.
History.
Family.
Ambition.
Fear.
Grief.
Duty.
Pride.
The desire to belong.
The desire to protect something.
Suddenly a decision that looked simple isn't quite as simple anymore.
That doesn't mean the decision becomes right.
Understanding someone's motivation doesn't require us to excuse their behavior.
It simply means we're willing to see more than the behavior.
Real life deserves that same curiosity.
Maybe instead of immediately saying...
"Why would they do that?"
We ask...
"What might be driving that?"
That's a different question.
And sometimes it's an uncomfortable one.
Because occasionally the answer has something to do with us.
Maybe the quiet person stopped talking because we stopped listening.
Maybe the person questioning everything has seen us rush into bad decisions before.
Maybe the person trying to take control doesn't trust that anyone else will.
Maybe the person who appears distant is carrying something we know nothing about.
We won't always know.
And we shouldn't invent explanations for people either.
That's just another kind of assumption.
Sometimes the healthiest thing we can say is...
"I don't know."
Then ask a better question.
That's where I think we're headed with this conversation about understanding people.
Not putting everybody into categories.
Not learning personality types so we can label everyone around us.
And definitely not learning enough psychology to diagnose everybody at the dinner table.
Nobody wants to eat Thanksgiving dinner with that person.
We're trying to become better students of people.
To notice.
To listen.
To ask.
To become curious before becoming certain.
Because personalities matter.
Strengths matter.
Blind spots matter.
Experiences matter.
Stories matter.
And over the next several conversations, I want to explore some of those differences.
Not so we can put people into boxes.
But so maybe...
We can understand the person standing in front of us a little better.
— Ruben Escalona
Red Alpha Custom Prints
What Healthy Actually Looks Like
Healthy people learn to separate what they observe from what they assume. They can address someone's behavior honestly without pretending they automatically understand the motive behind it.
Sometimes we'll discover our first impression was right. Sometimes we'll discover we were completely wrong. Either way, curiosity gives the conversation somewhere to go.
Pay attention to behavior. But stay curious about the person behind it.